Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
