There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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