well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
