his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
