We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
