well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
