She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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