Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Randomize
