Cold hands, warm shart.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
