I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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