It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
