hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
