Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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