You can't special order awesome
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
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