the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
