Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
