I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
