my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
