so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
