He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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