Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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