You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
