So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
