when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
worst night to have a conscience
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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