So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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