a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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