remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
