he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
