I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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