I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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