I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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