i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
