Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Randomize
