I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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