im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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