Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
