Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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