He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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