1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
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