For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
