Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
