Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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