OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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