Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
