The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Do vagina's smell?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
