I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
