I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
