Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
not ubering you a puppy
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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