I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
