Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
