Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
