I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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