My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
