The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
