i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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