Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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