Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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