I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
