the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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