I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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