The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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