I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
